


Innocence

by sevedra



Series: Innocence and Experience [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-31
Updated: 2006-03-31
Packaged: 2017-11-09 14:29:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/456541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevedra/pseuds/sevedra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was written ages ago (2006), between books 6 and 7. This was the first of a planned trilogy, that only made it into two stories. This first story is set during Remus and Severus' 6th year at Hogwarts. How they originally came together. Severus' POV</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. September

Remus Lupin was almost pretty. Sure, he wasn’t perfect. Those scars on his face only added character though. Severus knew Lupin was aware he existed, but he wasn’t fool enough to think it would matter.He watched Lupin from behind the strands of hair that hung across his face and seldom got caught. That prat Potter and that complete idiot Black always occupied Lupin’s attention. Snape simply could not stop thinking about him though.

 

Severus was lonely. He wasn’t as central to his group of friends as he appeared to be. They accepted him. He accepted them. But they didn’t seek him out. They had respect for his abilities, but they didn’t really care for him. They didn’t have much in common, truth be told. Severus had noticed that Remus seemed to be on the outside as well. He had his core group and he spent a lot of time with them, but he seemed different. He didn’t cut up as much. He didn’t start trouble as much. He didn’t participate in nearly all the pranks his friends started. He spent a lot of time with his books. 

 

On Wednesday, during study hour, Severus decided to take a chance. Lupin’s cronies were at Quidditch practice, but he knew where Lupin would be. He always studied during study hour. He was a prefect after all, had to set an example. Severus waited near the Library door until Lupin left his table to fetch a book. Then he slipped in and deposited his own belongings next to Lupin’s on the table. Sitting down, he pretended to start reading the Transfiguration assignment. When Lupin returned, Severus acted surprised that the other stuff on the table belonged to him. But, inwardly, he smirked. He would study right next to Lupin for the next forty-five minutes. Severus glanced up with a blank look on his face. He wanted Lupin to sit down. Finally, he did sit. Lupin shifted his books and parchments away from Severus. _Is he afraid of his stuff touching mine?_ But Lupin settled and opened his texts and started scribbling as if nothing were out of place. Excellent. Severus smiled inside. Time to make the next move.

 

“Evening, Lupin.”

 

“Hello, Severus…err Snape.” Pause. “What are you studying?”

 

Yes! Conversation started.

 

“Just the Transfiguration. It isn’t too difficult. You?”

 

“Umm, actually, me too. I don’t usually have any trouble, but the theory behind transfiguring living things into inanimate objects is giving me a bit of trouble.” Lupin stopped speaking, almost before the last word was out.

 

Severus decided to give it some time. Maybe Lupin was nervous. Maybe he was uncomfortable talking to Severus. _I can wait_ There was the whole school year ahead of them. Plenty of time to get to know each other.

 

They sat in silence and studied. Well, Lupin appeared to study. Severus spent the whole time casting glances at Lupin from behind his hair. He watched Lupin write, he watched Lupin nibble his lip when he concentrated. He listened to the soft sound of Lupin whispering under his breath while he practiced the wordings for his Transfiguration spells. When the hour was almost finished, Severus started packing his things away. He gathered his belongs and stood. 

 

“Good luck with that theory, Lupin.”

 

Lupin’s head snapped up as though Severus had pinched him. He looked sheepish and confused.

 

“Sure, Snape. Thanks.”

 

Severus exited the Library with a small victorious smirk dancing on his lips. Lupin was thrown off balance and I spent forty-five whole minutes sitting beside him! Perfect.  



	2. October

After taking that first risk and sitting beside Remus in the library, Severus found it easier to do it again. Once a week to start with, Severus settled himself at the same table as Lupin, while Lupin was choosing books from the stacks. Remus never called him on it. As a matter of fact, after four weeks of studying, Remus decided to speak first.

“Evening, Severus. Studying Potions tonight? That is a complex brew we have to do next week.”

“Hmm, not that complex. If you pay attention at all. But, yes, it is challenging.”

“Potions is never a challenge for you. You often have the highest marks in class. Between you and Lily, the rest of us don’t stand a chance!”

Severus seemed to be embarrassed. Remus had no idea that someone so sallow could actually blush. Severus was just pleased that Remus noticed something about him. Something positive. It was a beginning.

 

_Even sorted into Slytherin, like his Mother had hoped, he didn’t fit in. They didn’t understand him. The older kids picked on him anyway. They didn’t know of any pureblooded Snapes. What was a Snape, anyway? The whole first month was spent trying to defend himself. Survival of the fittest, indeed. He had to call upon all sorts of spells he only half remembered from the attic books to save himself from the older Slytherins. That Lestrange boy and that Black girl were especially bad. The oldest Black girl, anyway. The other two usually ignored him. They were very involved with their boyfriends and didn’t have time to torture ickle firsties. Finally, he had hit upon a solution. He let them “discover” who his Mother was. He might not be a pureblood, but the Princes were apparently a very well respected family. After that, the teasing eased off and he was allowed to satellite the group. Leaving his texts on the common room table, opened to the front where he’d written his name, and his parents names as though they were doodles, had been an excellent plan. He had looked his family up in the Library. The Princes weren’t on par with the Malfoy’s and the Black’s, but they were better situated than the Rosier’s or the LeStrange’s. His ability to cast hexes quickly from memory didn’t seem to hurt any either. So, he taught some of the trickier hexes to the older students and they taught him a few he didn’t know and they started to accept him. He would fit in after all.  
_

Keeping out of the path of Remus’ friends was proving difficult. Severus had thought that if he wanted to befriend Remus, it would be a small matter to avoid Potter and Black. But they were proving resourceful and persistent. Somehow, Black had managed to lie in wait for him when he was leaving Advanced Arithmacy. Black didn’t even take Advanced Arithmacy, so what was he doing lurking outside the classroom door? He’d gotten off a curse on Severus’ books before Severus had a chance to react. Now his books were all red and gold and he was completely pissed at being shown up by someone as incompetent as Sirius Bloody Black. Too bad Bella was long graduated. She would have loved bonding with her traitorous cousin.

Befriending Remus was actually going well. Remus was relaxed in his presence in the Library. He seemed to enjoy Severus sitting at his table and they were able to talk more without so much effort. Severus hated feeling like he didn’t fit in. Seeing that Remus only seemed to fit in with those three idiots and no one else, Severus had thought there might be a chance for finding someone he had something in common with. Hanging out with the Slytherins was all well and good, they were accepting of him, but he knew it wasn’t what he was really looking for. The Slytherins weren’t really his friends. They feared and respected his knowledge and abilities. It just wasn’t the same as actually liking him.  



	3. November

As the weather turned colder and the days grew shorter, Severus found himself spending more time in the library, studying. Hell, he had never studied so much in his life. He expected all of his marks to be exemplary this term. Remus was studying three days a week and Severus felt drawn to spend that time with him. Sitting beside Remus in the library and talking quietly over their lessons was satisfying. They had spoken some about their lives before Hogwarts and Severus was surprised to find they were both from mixed families. Almost all of his housemates were pureblood and he knew that Potter and Black were as well. It was oddly refreshing to share their adventures in muggle living. While Severus would never tell all the details of what his home life was truly like, he did confide his love and respect for his mother. He told Remus how much he missed her and how much it hurt when she died last year. He hadn’t talked to anyone about that except the Headmaster.

Severus sat next to Lupin in the library. He felt at ease. How was it he could feel so comfortable in the company of this boy? He had entered school with hopes of friends. People he had something in common with. He had spent a few years in muggle school, but they knew he was different. Small instances of uncontrollable magic made him odd. Although the other students never knew what was odd about him, they shunned him just the same. His mother could have home schooled, but his father insisted that it was too much like special treatment. His father knew he wasn’t special, so off to school he went. But coming here was supposed to be special. Different. Here, he was supposed to fit in and be happy.

 _When Severus boarded the Hogwarts Express, he was in awe. He had seen his mother perform magic, he had performed magic of his own, and he had even read about magic. To be confronted with all of these other people who could also do magic was almost overwhelming. It was a chance, a chance for Severus to belong. To be like others. To not be different. He carefully pushed his way through and found a compartment with enough space for him and his belongings. As he settled down, he looked at his compartment mates. A tall thin redheaded boy. A small black headed boy with glasses who seriously_ _needed a combing. A slender redheaded girl, who didn’t look like she knew the redheaded boy at all. Severus was too shy to speak, so he just observed. The black haired boy surreptitiously kicked the girl several times, even though she shifted in her seat and moved her leg away after each encounter. Finally appearing to tire of that activity, the boy turned to look at Severus. He stared._

_“Didn’t you think you should wash your hair for the first day of school?”_

_Severus slunk further down in his place and tried to hide behind his hair. The red-haired boy looked sharply at the boy whose mouth was still going._

_“I mean, you want to make a good impression, right? Which house do you think you’ll be in?”_

_Severus was loath to reply, but also didn’t want to appear as rude as the boy next to him already was._

_“My Mother was in Slytherin. She hopes I will be as well. You?”_

_“My parents were both in Gryffindor. They said almost all the dark wizards come out of Slytherin. Even the latest one. And Grindelwald. Is your Mother a dark wizard? Are you going to be one?”_

_The redheaded boy finally interrupted._

_“Not all wizards from Slytherin are dark. And not all dark wizards are from Slytherin. Maybe a higher ratio, but that is only a maybe. Lot of smart wizards in Slytherin.”_

_The black haired boy seemed to think on this. Then, “Are you in Slytherin, then?”_

_The older boy almost laughed. “No, for Merlin’s sake, my whole family has always been in Gryffindor. Can’t go changing a family tradition.”_

_Severus tried to go unnoticed during this exchange. Dark wizards? What exactly were dark wizards? He’d lived his life in the outskirts of a run-down Muggle town. Not a lot of contact there with other magic users: just Severus and his mother, and the books in the attic. His father had been irate that Severus could do magic. Always said it wasn’t the least bit useful in a snot nosed brat. His father. Thank Merlin for living at school. He’d be free. He would be able to make friends. He wouldn’t have to worry about people from school following him home. He wouldn’t have to worry that he’d do magic by instinct when anyone picked on him. No one would pick on him. He wouldn’t be different here. He’d be the same. He’d fit.  
_  
But he hadn’t fit in. Certainly not at first. Even now, he felt separated from most of the other students. Like an outsider, circling the main group, but never breaking into the core. But here? With Lupin? He felt like he was a part of something. Not apart.

So, he sat quietly in the library and stole glances at Lupin. They discussed assignments and felt relaxed and nearly cheerful. He was learning to laugh. Remus was quite funny and had a lot of anecdotes to tell, even if most of them did include his obnoxious friends. Severus actually felt good laughing at Potter, Black and Pettigrew. Seeing them in classes and in the halls, he could call to mind a dozen episodes that would embarrass them no end if they were only aware that he knew. He trusted Remus enough to tell him a little about himself. It felt like a weight lifting from his shoulders to be able to share some of the difficulties he’d faced.

Severus knew he felt a deep friendship for Remus. It was an amazing thing to experience.


	4. December

Severus was almost overwhelmed sometimes with the thought that Remus was really a friend. Remus opened to him and told him so much about himself. Severus was beginning to feel that he knew nearly all there was to know about Remus. He had never thought to have such an honest and frank relationship with anyone. When he had decided to pursue a friendship with Remus, it had been with only the vaguest hope that it would work out. This depth of intimacy was more than he had anticipated. Though Severus didn’t go into detail, he managed to talk to Remus about the physically and emotionally abusive relationship he had with his Father. Explaining why he never went home unless it was mandatory. Remus hadn’t known that Severus only went home for summer.

Soon enough, too soon, it was Christmas. Remus was going home. He always went home on holidays. Severus was staying of course. Even his trips home in the summer were unwilling. So, he was left to entertain himself during the break.

Severus tried to keep himself busy. He read books for pleasure instead of only knowledge. He played Exploding Snaps with younger kids who had stayed over in Slytherin, too. He reorganized all of his personal potion ingredients. Then he alphabetized his books. He spent ages wandering the stacks in the library. Finally, he admitted to himself that he missed Remus. He wanted to sit beside Remus in the library and trade notes on homework. He wanted to watch Remus’ eyes light up when a theory finally clicked. He wanted to see Remus’ dazzling grin when he made a joke. He wanted nothing more than to be back in the presence of Remus Lupin. It felt like more than friendship. It felt like his whole world was beginning to revolve around Remus.

The holiday dragged on. When Christmas morning arrived, there weren’t any gifts. There hadn’t been gifts since his mother died. His father preferred not to acknowledge his existence. He thought about Remus and wondered if Remus’ family was as broken as his had been. But he knew it wasn’t. He had listened when Remus talked about his home life. There was a reason Remus went home for breaks. He enjoyed it. There was a reason Severus didn’t go home on breaks.

_“Stop your whining. You’re too old for Santa Claus. You’re old enough to know that money is tight. If you want something, get a job. I am not spending my hard earned money on you and your petty wants.”_

_“ You seem to have plenty of money for beer. Don’t see why you can’t spring for a present.”_

_“Get out of my face before I slap your damned head off. Ungrateful brat. I spend my pay on what I want. You have wants? Get your own pay.”_

 

The last day of holidays finally arrived. Severus could barely contain his nervous energy. He spent half the day rearranging his books and potions ingredients, again. When the carriages were due to arrive, he slipped through the dungeons and waited in the Great Hall. He stood to the side, not wanting to be obvious. As the students came pouring in, there was laughter and chatter and hugging. Severus wasn’t part of that. He saw Remus with Potter, Black and Pettigrew. He should have known. Of course Remus was with his friends. He probably hadn’t even cared that Severus was at the castle the whole time he was away. He shrank back, closer to the wall. But Remus’ eyes were scanning every face. Remus spotted Severus and made eye contact. He nodded briefly, in a way that seemed to say “hello” but wouldn’t draw the attention of his companions.

Maybe Remus noticed he was there after all. Maybe Remus missed him, too. Severus felt a warmth in his chest that he wasn’t sure he’d ever felt before. He couldn’t wait until study night.


	5. January

Severus was making notes and trying to think. He was sitting closer to Remus than before and was very aware of their knees bumping under the table. It was distracting and made it difficult to concentrate, but he couldn’t decide if it was a bad thing or a good thing.

“Are you _writing_ in your Potions text?” Remus voice hissed at him in a shocked tone. Severus didn’t look up; he really was trying to think here.

“Mmm. Mincing the Fire Lily Stalk degrades the desired effect. Dicing is better.”

“…” Remus was silent. Then he suddenly spoke in a harsh voice, no longer whispering, “You’re _correcting_ the Potions text?”

That got Severus’ attention. He glanced around to make sure they weren’t being overheard.

"Of course I am. It’s wrong. You want the potion to be as effective as possible, right? Mincing just allows the juice to escape before you can add the Stalk. Dicing would keep more of the liquid and yet the pieces would melt away just as efficiently as when mincing. It would be better.”

“Better? You can make the potion better than the Master who wrote the book? Really?” Remus managed to sound both awed and skeptical. Severus knew Remus’ Potions grades were average at best.

“Sure. It isn’t that difficult. Meet me tomorrow at the Potions’ Lab instead of here. Slughorn will let me use it to experiment on a practical.”

*

The next night, Severus was still sorting out ingredients when Remus arrived. He tried to ignore Remus’ presence so he could think straight. It had become very unsettling lately to have Remus near. It was almost as if he could feel the other boys’ body heat, even though they weren’t touching. He was very mindful of Remus’ breathing and the way he held himself, close, but not quite touching, as he watched over Severus’ shoulder.

When he had everything laid out and the two cauldrons settled and the flames going, he turned to Remus.

“I am going to follow the book’s instructions. You are going to follow mine.”

“Pretty confident, aren’t you?”

“It is Potions, Remus. Of course I am.”

They worked side by side, not quite silently, but with minimal conversation. Remus asked quiet questions and Severus calmly answered and explained the steps involved. They hadn’t been in Potions together since last year, and then they didn’t partner. Severus knew Potions wasn’t one of Remus’ stronger classes. He was surprised that Remus actually followed directions well, he was probably used to being occupied with his friends in class. A few times in the course of picking up ingredients, their hands brushed. It was all Severus could do to keep his breathing even and pay attention to the potion details. He supposed it was a good thing he didn’t have Potions with Remus.

When the concoctions were finally completed, Remus just stared at the cauldrons. Severus felt a little nervous. Was Remus going to comment? The color in one cauldron was brilliant and bright; the other was duller and almost murky. It was obvious to Severus that the potion Remus had brewed was superior. Could Remus tell? Suddenly, Remus laughed out loud and threw his arm around Severus’ shoulder. Severus immediately stiffened.

_He wasn’t accustomed to being touched. Really, no one ever touched him. His father had never hugged him. His mother, only rarely since he was four. His father had claimed it would spoil him._

_“All that coddling will just encourage the whining. Send him to his room and quit petting him.”_

_“Snot nosed, crying brat will never amount to anything if you keep treating him like a baby. He’s big enough to keep those tears in and suck it up.”_

_His mother had stopped touching him with affection when his father could see. She would sneak in late at night sometimes, after his father was finally passed out. She’d hug him and whisper to him that it would all be all right. She reminded him to just hold it in and only cry in his room._

_He hadn’t been hugged since the first day of school, and that had been a special occasion. His mother had held him close and nearly smothered him. She’d whispered her pride and her hopes in his ear. His father had been at work._

Remus noticed the stiffening and started to withdraw his arm. Severus took a chance. He threw caution to the wind and turned quickly to face Remus, wrapping his arm around Remus’ shoulder at the same time. Remus stopped trying to back away and paused only a moment before reaching his other arm around to place his hand in the middle of Severus’ back. Severus relaxed at once and patted Remus’ shoulder blade in a congratulatory way.

Maybe a hug wasn’t so bad.


	6. February

Five years spent with the nastiest minds in Slytherin had just not prepared Severus for conversation. How was he supposed to speak to Lupin without offending him? Every time he opened his mouth sarcasm and razor wit came forth. Remus didn’t seem to speak to his friends that way. They were always laughing and Black tended to slip into that falsetto for Potter’s benefit. It was easy enough to talk about assignments and muggle life, but how was he supposed to talk to Remus about anything else? He wanted to ask about that hug in the Potions Lab. He wanted to ask if it meant anything. Was it just a reaction to the excitement of making a great potion for a change? Was it a reaction to Severus helping him make a great potion? Could it happen again? Did he need to set up another study practical in the Lab?

Good grief, he was mooning over Remus. All he could think about was what Remus was thinking, what Remus was doing, who Remus was talking to. Of course, he knew whom Remus was talking to: those moronic friends of his. Now, there was another holiday looming. Holidays always depressed him. Valentine’s Day was just an excuse to point out how unlikable he was. He had never received a single one. He didn’t expect this year to be any different.

There was a Hogsmeade trip just before the day itself. He bought some chocolates to slip to Remus. He was not buying Remus a Valentine. That was not what this was. It was just because he knew how much Remus liked sweets. The boy seemed to have the metabolism of three good-sized men. He could eat a lot of sweets. Severus decided to give them to him on the 13th, so there’d be no chance of thinking the chocolates were a banal declaration of affection.

Remus seemed very appreciative of the chocolates. He offered one to Severus and smiled a lot. There was a dance scheduled for the holiday. Not really a Ball, less formal, but everyone would be there. 

“Could I talk to you, after the social?”

“Sure, I can get away easily. Sirius has two dates lined up and James will spend all night pursuing Lily. Peter has a couple other guys he plans to hang about.”

*

On the night of the dance, Severus took extra care washing his hair and making sure his robes weren’t too shabby. One of the drawbacks to relying on his father was that he didn’t notice when Severus grew taller or that he was still wearing last year’s robes. Better to be ignored than knocked down though. Severus shrugged. He decided he looked fine; as well as could be expected. He couldn’t do anything about his nose or about his ankles showing. It would have to be good enough.

Severus spent the evening leaning against the wall. He spoke with some of his housemates. He didn’t bother trying to ask anyone to dance. He knew he’d be turned down anyway. Besides, he had a feeling he wanted to dance with Remus and that wouldn’t go over well, would it? He kept an eye on Potter and Black, as well as Remus. He noticed when Black slipped out to the rose garden with a girl and saw that Potter had finally convinced Evans to dance. Remus met his eye and Severus tilted his head toward the doors.

They met in the dark of the entrance hall. The music was slow and seemed to incite swaying. Without speaking, Remus touched Severus’ upper arm. Severus was a bit stiff and nervous, but he looked Remus straight in the eye and put one hand on Remus’ shoulder. That lifted his arm and Remus’ hand slid toward Severus’ shoulder, too. Severus swallowed hard and placed his other hand on Remus’ waist. Remus didn’t pull away. He didn’t speak, either. Severus decided this was a good thing. He stepped into Remus’ personal space and swayed slightly. Remus seemed to understand what was happening and he put his other hand on Severus’ other shoulder and leaned into Severus’ body. Severus could barely breathe. He had never been this close to another person, let alone another boy. He felt too warm and too cold at the same time. He let Remus lean into him; he felt their thighs brush and realized that they were dancing. It was a slow, unchoreographed dance that allowed them to cling to each other in silence.

Severus leaned in more and felt Remus respond in kind. He slowly pressed his lips to Remus’. Remus had dry, full lips. They were warm. They were soft. They were perfect. He pulled back and met Remus’ eye again. The song ended and they stepped apart. With a small grin, Remus turned and went back into the dance. Severus smiled and felt tingles run through his body.

Severus felt something in his hand. Looking down, he saw a note that Remus must have slipped there without him noticing. It simply read:

_‘I am thankful for your friendship’_

His first ever Valentine. Maybe talking wasn’t necessary.


	7. March

They hadn’t mentioned the kiss. They didn’t precisely ignore it, but didn’t look at it either. They sat beside each other in the library and whispered over assignments. They let their legs touch under the table. Their heads bent together and their breaths mingled while they talked. There didn’t seem to be any awkwardness. Severus wasn’t sure about this, but he liked it. So he let it go. Why stir up trouble?

Remus started showing up late for sessions. When Severus looked at him questioningly, Remus shrugged.

“Sirius thinks I study too much. He wanted me to hang out.”

One evening, the leg touches were really getting to Severus. He could feel almost the entire length of Remus’ thigh pressed against his own. It made him hot and tingly. It made him hard. It made him want to snog Remus senseless. He slipped a note to Remus:

_‘Meet me in the back stack in 5 minutes’_

Then he abruptly left the table. He circled half the library in a round about almost aimless path until he was in the very back corner. No one came back here. The books were dull and old and not on the recommended list for any current class. He leaned against the wall and tried to control his breathing. Remus stepped from around the nearest stack, moving silently. He raised one eyebrow at Severus as if questioning. Severus raised one back at him and reached his hand out to Remus’ upper arm. Remus stepped in close and looked at Severus steadily. Severus decided to meet his stare straight on. _Show no fear_. Severus tugged gently on Remus’ arm and Remus stepped in again and they were lightly touching along most of their fronts. 

Severus titled his head and pressed his lips to Remus’. It was just as wonderful as he remembered. Remus’ lips were soft and this time they were moist. Severus was intrigued and licked gently at Remus’ mouth. Remus gasped and parted his lips, Severus pressed in deeper and stroked Remus’ tongue with his own. This was amazing! How had he not been doing this all month? Remus kissed him back and they pressed harder against one another. Severus slipped one hand inside Remus’ robe and just under the edge of his jumper. It was a bit like touching fire. Remus’ skin was hot and smooth and Severus could feel lightning flashes up his arm and somehow straight to his groin. Severus shifted his hips just to the right a tiny bit and Remus’ hips fell in line. Oh, Merlin! He could feel Remus’ excitement right through his robes. Remus erection was pushing into the hollow of Severus’ hip and Severus could not hold still. He shifted again, this time forward and felt Remus grind back against him. It was pure bliss.

They separated to breathe and both stood gasping. Severus was watching Remus’ face from under his bangs for a reaction. Remus flashed his dazzling grin at Severus and Severus smiled right back. They walked back to their table in silence.

Sirius Black was leafing through Remus’ notes. Black’s eyes narrowed when he saw Remus approaching with Severus beside him. Severus had no desire for a confrontation in front of Remus and slowed his steps so that he was behind Remus instead.

“Came to study with you. Thought maybe you could help me out with the Ancient Runes. You don’t have the notes here though.”

“I wasn’t studying that tonight. We can go up to the common room, though. We can study there.”

Black looked hard at Severus and then back at Remus. Severus could only hope it didn’t look like they’d been snogging. He knew his own erection had disappeared immediately when in the presence of Black. Black’s eyes narrowed again.

“You studying, too, Snivellus?” Black sneered.

“Just finished actually. Too crowded in the library. They let in just any riff-raff.”

Black helped Remus gather his stuff and they exited the library. Remus glanced back once, when Black went through the doorway first. Severus could see that Remus’ face was still a bit flushed and his lips looked swollen. Maybe Black hadn’t noticed.

Severus grabbed his books and left the library as quickly as he could. He had an appointment in the shower. He could not get Remus off his brain.


	8. April

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter could be considered rated PG-13, I guess.

Once the snogging had started, it was hard to stop. They found every chance to slip to the back of the library or the far side of the lake and kiss each other senseless. Severus couldn’t be bothered to care that Remus was male. He hadn’t felt this excited by anyone else. He had felt attraction to girls before. He had wanked thinking of girls. He had never thought he would feel like this about a boy. But, really, he was just ecstatic to feel like this. 

Today, the sun was shining and they hadn’t been able to stay in the library. The urge to run and laugh was too strong, the need to touch. Severus and Remus flew across the lawn and collapsed near the edge of the Forbidden Forest. They knew not to go in, but here, near the edge was safe and secluded. Severus rolled onto his side, looking down into Remus’ face. Remus was smiling and Severus couldn’t help but respond in kind. He reached down and brushed Remus’ hair from the side of his left eye. Remus closed his eyes at the touch and Severus let his fingers linger along Remus’ hairline. He could feel the warmth and swelling in his heart. He always felt that when he was with Remus.

Remus opened his eyes and reached his hand behind Severus’ head. Severus allowed himself to be tugged down until he could feel Remus’ breath on his lips. Remus lifted his own head to make up the difference when Severus paused short. Their lips touched, softly at first. Severus groaned and Remus gasped. Lips parted and tongues slid. Remus moaned in the back of his throat: a growly moan that shot to Severus’ hardening erection. Though they’d been doing this for a month or more, Severus was still a little shy about it. For a moment he held himself away, then he shifted closer and boldly straddled Remus’ hips. 

Severus pressed his erection against Remus’ and ground slightly. Remus didn’t seem to mind this new position. Severus felt Remus’ hips lift to push more firmly into his. Severus groaned again and started a rhythmic thrusting motion with his groin. He could feel every inch of Remus touching him. It was getting to be too much. Severus moved quicker and felt Remus gasping against his mouth. Severus left Remus’ lips and kissed a path along his jaw to his earlobe. When he reached Remus’ ear, he licked and then bit gently. Remus really growled at that and his hips thrust harder against Severus. Severus felt a warm wetness on his front and realized Remus had come. The thought of bringing Remus to ejaculation pushed Severus over the edge to his own. He kissed Remus on the mouth once more and rolled to the side.

“That was brilliant.” Remus moved to lie on his side and looked Severus in the eye.

Severus ducked his head and blushed. He had never come in the presence of anyone besides his own hand. He knew it felt wonderful, but to lose control like that in front of someone. It was overwhelming. Remus touched his chin and Severus looked at him again. Remus looked nervous.

“Yeah, Remus. That was brilliant.” Severus ducked his head once more, but only briefly. He raised his eyes back to Remus’. “We have to do this again sometime.”

 

After cleaning themselves and getting over their embarrassment, they headed back towards the castle. Neither noticed Sirius Black in the shadows of the entrance hall as they walked past returning to the library. As they walked, they stepped toward each other in sync and bumped shoulders. Remus was laughing and Severus was smiling. Sirius Black was scowling.


	9. May

Severus stood in a shadowy space behind a suit of armor. He had been about to step forward and speak to Remus; things were going so well with him. Just remembering the way the other boy’s body felt was causing him to get hard. He wanted to press himself against Remus again, now. They were going to meet here and then head for a walk by the lake instead of spending this beautiful afternoon indoors. But, Remus wasn’t alone anymore, so he hung back…waiting for his opportunity. Black had approached and was speaking to Remus in a hushed voice. Then, he lifted his head and looked straight at Severus! Severus knew he couldn’t be seen, but he felt Black’s glare anyway. Black’s voice rose to an audible level. 

“Sure, Remus, if you’d rather. I can meet you as late as you like. You’ll be careful, right? Not to be seen?”

“Merlin, Sirius! Aren’t I always careful? How long have I been doing this?”

“Okay, Remus. Tomorrow night. See you there.”

Black stared directly at Severus again. Was there a hole in this suit of armor that he didn’t know about? He could swear Black was looking at him. Remus never glanced back as he and Black walked away, talking quietly.

Severus slipped away, confused.

*

The next night, Severus and Remus were, again, studying in the Library while Remus’ other friends were off busy. 

“I think I am getting a headache, Severus. And I am feeling a bit tired. I am going to go and turn in early. You don’t mind? I’ll meet you day after tomorrow, as usual.”

“Sure, Remus. Want me to walk you to the Infirmary for a potion? Or make you one? For your headache?”

Severus’ eyes narrowed. He remembered the conversation with Black yesterday. Why would Remus say he was ill, if he had plans to meet Black? Severus was all too aware of how much time Remus spent with his friends. No need to lie about it. What was going on?

“Um, yeah. Walking with me to the Infirmary would be great. Let’s head out.”

The walk to the Infirmary was almost silent. Not the comfortable silence that Severus had grown used to having with Remus, but a painful awkward silence that implied there were things unsaid. Madam Pomfrey made it clear that Severus’ presence was unnecessary to Remus’ treatment and so Severus found himself back in the hallway. Where he saw Sirius Black approaching. Ducking behind the nearest suit of armor, he saw Black enter the Infirmary and then exit almost immediately with Remus. How did Black know Remus was there?

*

Severus found himself frozen to the spot. He’d managed to see enough of what Remus had done to stop the Willow himself, but he was still afraid it would attack him. Peering into the root work of the tree, he could see an opening that must have been where Remus had disappeared. Why would Madam Pomfrey put Remus under the Womping Willow? This was odd. Maybe following Remus to see him meeting Sirius had been a mistake. Having waited until Madam Pomfrey was all the way back in the castle, Severus noted that it was a lot darker now than when Remus first slipped from sight. Even the bright moonlight didn’t fully penetrate the shadows cast by the tree’s extensive limbs. A softly whispered _Lumos_ later, and Severus was ready. He pushed open the strange doorway and entered a tunnel. The floor was hard packed dirt and the walls felt close. Having lived six years in the dungeons, Severus was unaffected by these things. He started down the path and heard snorts and growls from ahead. Wondering what on Earth could be making that sort of noise, he slowed almost to a crawl. Suddenly, a doorway at the other end of the tunnel burst open and a giant black shape was rushing toward him. In the space of about three seconds, Severus realized that it wasn’t black; it was charcoal gray, and it wasn’t a shape; it was a dog. No, a wolf. No, a werewolf! Why is there a werewolf in the tunnel? Where is Remus? 

Then, Severus realized that he wasn’t fleeing. He wasn’t able to flee. He was frozen in terror. He felt the warm trickle of urine on his thigh and then realized he heard another noise. James Potter grabbed him from behind and physically dragged him from the tunnel. Potter slammed the door and dragged Severus away from the flailing limbs of the Willow. Severus just lay there, curled in on himself, gasping and unmoving. Distantly, he could hear Potter ranting and railing against Black, who apparently was there also. Black just laughed. Severus felt strangely detached from himself. He could almost imagine seeing himself lying on the ground, panting and could imagine his position in relation to Potter, Black and the Willow. But, where is Remus? Then, the words broke through.

“Remus wouldn’t hurt him! Even though he deserves whatever he gets. Remus knows better.”

“No, Sirius, Remus _would_ have hurt him. Because even if Remus knows better, Moony doesn’t! Get it through your damned thick skull. And now, he knows!”

Knows? Knows what? Do I know something? Who is Moony?

“Look at him crying, James! He doesn’t know what happened. He is scared out of his wits. Scaredy sniveling Snivellus!”

Severus curled even tighter into a ball. Scared? Hell yes he was scared! What was going on? Why would Madam Pomfrey take Remus to a werewolf? Why was there a werewolf under the Willow? Severus could smell his own sharp, fear-tinged sweat and the bitter, nauseating scent of ammonia. He just closed his eyes and let the tears flow.

*

Severus was in the shadows again, just inside the door of the Infirmary. He could see Remus from here, but Remus couldn’t see him. His mind was trying desperately to make sense of last night. He had thought of nothing else. The conclusions he had reached were disturbing. The questions left unanswered were many. Some things he knew. Remus lied. Every minute they spent together, Remus lied. He planned to meet Black when he told Severus he was ill. He was a werewolf. Remus was a _werewolf_. Black knew Severus was there when he and Lupin made their arrangement. Some things he didn’t know. How could Remus have kept something like this from him? Where was the trust he thought they had made in this relationship? Was this a relationship? Did conversation and comfortable silences combined with a few kisses and caresses make a relationship? It was almost embarrassing to think of the other things he’d done with Remus, the times their bodies had been pressed so close. He kept coming back to one horrifying thought. _Remus_ was a werewolf. Every single time they were together and Remus didn’t tell him was a lie. Remus had been lying for months and months. _Lying_. It had all been lies. 

There was a tight, hard feeling in his chest. _It was all lies_. His throat was closed and his head was pounding. He couldn’t even draw a breath. _It was all lies_. Every day they had met and Remus hadn’t said “I need to tell you something, you should probably sit down first” was another day that Remus had lied. His stomach felt filled with fire. His lungs were starting to burn. His vision blurred. _It was all lies_. Severus fled.


	10. June

Severus did his best to avoid Lupin and his murdering friends. He stuck with other Slytherins as much as possible. He was with them so much, he was sure they were actually starting to get to know him. He couldn’t admit it to himself, but he was terrified to be around Lupin. _No, a werewolf! Why is there a werewolf in the tunnel?_ Though he knew that the werewolf wasn’t _really_ Lupin, and that _Lupin_ wouldn’t hurt him, it was hard to differentiate when he saw Lupin. His adrenal glands kicked into overdrive and he thought he might hyperventilate and he had to turn and walk the other way, every single time.

The Headmaster had told him “boys will be boys”. Apparently, at Hogwarts some boys are threatened with being eaten by a werewolf, other boys will go unpunished. Severus held nothing but hatred and contempt for the few who knew about that night. Potter, Pettigrew, Dumbledore, Black, and when he was honest, Lupin. Rationally, he understood that Lupin would never have lured him to the tunnel for the purpose of eating him or turning him into a werewolf. Unfortunately, he didn’t often look at the situation intellectually. 

Lupin finally cornered him in the library. He wasn’t even going to be allowed the pleasant memories of evenings studying. Now, he’d have to remember the library as the place where he finally had it out with Lupin. Severus stood stiff and didn’t look at Lupin. He looked to the side and held himself as far away as he could without retreating entirely.

“Severus? Are you okay? I have been trying to talk to you for weeks.”

“I am fine, Lupin. Fine. I had no wish to speak with you.”

“I wanted to tell you Severus. I was so afraid. My parents and the Headmaster said it must remain a secret. I couldn’t tell anyone.”

“Your friends knew. They knew and I didn’t. I followed you because I knew you were meeting Black. You tried to attack me!”

“Severus, you can’t think I would ever have wanted that to happen?”

“I really don’t care whether you wanted it to happen. It did. You are a werewolf. A mangy, rabid beast AND a liar.”

“Beast? Well, I guess so. I had hoped you could understand. It isn’t like I asked to be a werewolf. And I never lied. I didn’t tell you…”

“A lie of omission is still a lie. I really have no desire to speak with you. I have to go.”

As he’d tried to walk past, Lupin grabbed his arm. He had pulled back in shock, not realizing that his face showed fear and revulsion. Lupin immediately removed his hand and backed away.

“Do not touch me! Filthy cur! You have no right!”

Lupin recoiled as if Severus had physically attacked him. Severus saw the hurt in his face and felt a bit vindicated. After all, why should he be the only one in pain.?

“Sorry. I won’t bother you again.”

“See that you don’t.”

They went their separate ways. Severus succeeded in avoiding Lupin the last few weeks of school. He flung himself wholeheartedly into getting to know his housemates. Maybe, if he had tried that sooner, he would never have had this fiasco with Lupin. As he boarded the Hogwarts Express for the trip home, Severus felt none of the excitement he had experienced on his first ride to school. He saw Lupin laughing and jostling in a compartment with his treacherous friends. Lupin could still laugh. Lupin still had friends. Severus had nothing to even smile about. He supposed the Slytherins would do for friends, but he felt hollow and bitter. It would be a very long summer. Alone.

 

The End


End file.
